I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
