I didn't shave. On purpose
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
