i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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