apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
