I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
