I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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