So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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