it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
