if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
