Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
