My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
do herpes really smell.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
