'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
