You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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