textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
