I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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