So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
