I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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