dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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