I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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