i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
