One girl and one boy is just not enough.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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