can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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