Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
