Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
