I want to walk on stilts...naked
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
