Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
