I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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