Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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