Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
