Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
