she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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