It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
