May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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