The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
