I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
