He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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