I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
