If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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