Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
