Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
