I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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