This is not my ceiling
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
