A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
