Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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