the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
