she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
