his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
