he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
