I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
