you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
