if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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