Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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