why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
