Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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