I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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