Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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