he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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