3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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